Marriages Are Not Made In Heaven

What is it that people remember most about their lives?

Probably marriage! It is empirically the most important part of our lives. I always believed that marriages are made in heaven.  It was perhaps the only part of my life for the past fourteen years. But, unfortunately, when this marriage part of my life came shattering down, I had nothing to cling to except my two kids. So here I was in the middle of nowhere, knowing not a thing about what to do with my life. I have never thought of my life without marriage. I have never thought of my life living outside the web that my marriage has created around me. Knowing that certain activities in the domain of our marriage are wrong morally and as a person would view it outwardly, it should not be accepted inwardly. But the comfort of my marriage and its deadly tentacles never let me think of life outside it, and I was so engrossed in it that I blocked that part of my mind that could reason.




Finally, when the activities of my spouse became demonic rather than just morally wrong, I had to break that wall in my mind and let the truth of what is happening to seep inside and see the things detaching me from the comfort of life I was so addictively used to. So, standing at that crossroads, I had two choices, either forgive him and go back to my life which I wanted so badly, or start a new journey about me and my life outside marriage. Going back would be so easy, so comforting, dancing to the tunes of my spouse and again creating a wall around me. Dressing everything up and depicting a picture-perfect family is what I have been doing for years. Not once have I told myself that my life exists beyond this. Not once have I said to myself that I should live my life in imperfectness rather than lead a life of deception that reflects a perfect image. How could I be so untruthful to myself? 

 

WHEN DOES THE PROBLEM START?

 

  1. Communication Gap- When either of the spouses stops interacting or doesn’t find it important enough to communicate every day.


  1. Financial Problems- Being not open about the financial aspect creates friction in the marital relationship.


  1. Offspring Issue- Unable to spend time with each other after the birth of a child in the lives of the couple.


  1. External Factors- When expectations from another family member living in the house begin to take a toll on the mental peace of one of the spouses.


  1. Lack of cohesion- When commitment toward marriage lacks from either of the spouses.  

 

I have seen that all the problems can be easily dealt with if there is healthy communication between the spouses. The communication gap is one of the leading factors for shattering a marriage. Communication has the strength to bridge any gaps in the marriage. Still, when this very factor is lacking in any marriage, then it starts becoming baggage rather than providing wings for each of them to flourish. When I began observing this issue in our marriage, I turned to the internet for help. I tried all the given solutions in the best articles I read, but it only made my life more miserable. He started taking me for granted, and I have begun to lose confidence in myself. In a way, I started self-doubting, and my self-worth began to plummet. 


For more than one year, I went through this process of fixing our marriage, even to the extent that I spent an exorbitant amount of money improving the Vastu of the house we lived in. Finally, after one and a half years, when I came to know of the many illicit relationships my husband was having, everything began to make sense to me. I have been just giving and giving in to a relationship that does not exist for my spouse. I have been humiliating myself all these years and not realizing that I have given away enough of my time, effort, confidence, and respect. Most of all, I lost my self-worth trying to save a relationship that doesn’t exist in my spouse’s mind. That is when all the dots began to connect on why nothing worked? 

 

Yes! I made a big mistake. Marriage cannot survive by the effort of one spouse alone; it takes equal work from the other partner. I should have stopped long back and moved on with my life, but this image of an idealistic wife in my mind made me keep on going till I could bear no one. And today, I am even afraid to think of that image that has been pressurizing me, manipulating me, dominating me, and commanding me to bear till I break. Till I broke to such an extent that I could no longer carry on. I was left with myself in the middle of nowhere, picking up pieces of my broken self and putting them together to stand again. It was difficult, and more so because I was a housewife. With no earnings and no savings, it was a big decision to start afresh with my two girls. But the decision was worthwhile. Today I sense the peace and freedom in my life and believe that I should have done that before. I remember the words of my lawyer when he said that in a judgment passed by the Supreme Court the judge once said, "Not all marriages are made in heaven, some are made in hell."

 

Someone rightly said, “Marriage does not guarantee you will be together forever, it’s only paper. It takes love, respect, trust, understanding, friendship, and faith in your relationship to make it last.” 


If the couple is truly willing to lead a happy life together, they can both work together to give a new life to their marriage. Either they can resolve the marital issues by themselves or take the help of a marriage counselor to understand the core problems and fix them efficiently. This will definitely add a new dimension to their married life and strengthen the love they share. 


Believe me, marriages are not made in heaven; they are made on Earth by the sacrifices of two people involved.


Read more blogs from the writer here:


What are the 6 types of Intimate Partner Violence(IPV) and why do women bear it?




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